What large families teach you about life

Large families are ideal settings for children to learn valuable life lessons early on, explains Sybilla Hart

Sybilla Hart• May 17, 2025

In our household we have five children ranging from 18 to five years old, and with that come many highs and lows in daily life. The life lessons are, like the family, plentiful. On a good day I like to think that because children are like sponges, they are absorbing life skills in a way that is good for them and for those around them. On a bad day, I think there’s too much stress and “mood management”.

In a large family, children learn the art of saying “no” from a young age; there are fewer blurred boundaries, and children tend to be more direct as a result. I have watched my own children in action and they are good communicators. When prompted, they answer a question honestly and often respond in a direct but polite way. This has been inspiring for me to watch. I tend to ramble on, turning ideas on their head and scrutinising them – which I am not convinced is always useful. They, on the other hand, have clear boundaries and are not afraid to be honest.

Siblings in large families have their requests turned down constantly, whether for a loan of the latest pair of jeans or the last chocolate in the box. They tend to learn acceptance faster by virtue of the fact that this cycle happens many times a day. Saying “no” nicely, and not falling out over it, is something a lot of adults struggle with. I find that children who come from large families tend to be robust simply because they have experienced more real-life situations. It’s akin to speed-dating through life: they cover more territory in less time and, hopefully, get more answers too.

Because there is more going on around them, and more of a constant flow of people, children from large families learn about different experiences – and how these can be dealt with – first-hand. The second child sees that a failed driving test or a rejection from a preferred university may not be the end of the world. As a family, we spoke recently about how you only fail if you give up; younger children see this in action. More than that – they have a front-row seat. In short, they deal with rejection and learn not to take it personally – and that failure is a normal part of life, not the end of the world.

They also often have well-developed emotional intelligence and are experienced in conflict resolution. My eldest child helped someone several decades older than him the other day, when the person was having a crisis of confidence. He reassured them and complimented them. Children in large families are used to dealing with these sorts of situations – they live them out daily.

Meanwhile, the equestrian centre where my daughter Celestia rides got in touch to say that they were impressed by her reassurance and verbal skills. A man who was about to have a riding lesson for the first time was extremely nervous about getting on a horse, and my ten-year-old daughter, who has been riding for a few years now, said something along the lines of: “We all get nervous – don’t worry about it. If I can do it, so can you!” That apparently calmed his fears and he had a good lesson. Children from large families will provide verbal sticking plasters when they see the need and don’t feel too self-conscious about doing so. They will step out of their comfort zone as they are familiar with the route in and out.

My 13-year-old daughter also won some praise. “We had an autistic boy and Florence led him. She was so patient and kind, as always.” This is not always the case at home, which concerns me: the siblings don’t always respect each other as they would perfect strangers. Someone once said to me that as long as your children are polite in front of other people, it’s okay. I suppose this is up for debate. I do worry that as parents of many children we are too harassed and overstretched: our own buttons are being pressed repeatedly and there are multiple needs that need catering for daily. We need to step up, and we try – but we are human and we often, inevitably, fail.

Children from large families may often be witnesses to an abundance of stressful human interactions – someone having a meltdown or an argument – and though these are not ideal, they will learn that the storm will pass and calm will return. This makes them resilient. I have been told that one or more of my children coped well at school or at a club when something went wrong; one of my son’s teachers said that you could throw anything at him and he’d cope with it. There have to be some upsides to hailing from a large family, and it seems to me that learning life lessons early on is one of them.

(Photo by NOAH SEELAM/AFP via Getty Images)